Imaginary phone transcripts from Doug Elgin yesterday:
--2:00pm--
DePaul Athletics Receptionist: DePaul Athletics, how may I direct your call?
Doug Elgin: Hi, this is Doug Elgin, Commissioner of the Missouri Valley Conference, I'd like to speak to your AD about joining the Valley.
Receptionist: Let me check if he's available, please hold. (Sweet Home Chicago hold music)
-Receptionst intercom to AD: Hey, its MVC, they want us to join the Valley.
-DePaul AD to intercom: HAHAHAHA! Put him through.
DePaul AD: Hello Doug, what can I do for you today?
DE: I've been hearing that you guys are thinking about disolving the Big East. I think that DePaul would be a great addition to our conference because of the proximity to our schools and the expansion of the MVC into Chicagoland. We'll move all of our tournaments up there too. Think of the travel you guys can save having to fly all over the country trying to keep up with all those football schools. Since the Big East is likely dissolving, why don't you come to a stable conference that can build up your athletics program. You have to admit, its been a pretty rough time playing those Big East team, no?
DePaul AD: Yeah, it would be nice to get to play some weak teams occasionally. Saving on travel would be nice, but I can't remember where all of your schools are though, aren't they all south of I-80?
DE: No, Northern Iowa is significantly north of I-80 in Cedar Falls, Creighton is 2 miles north of I-80 in Omaha, and Drake is only 2 miles south of I-80 in Des Moines.
[Click]
DE: Regardless, you should be able to fly direct to almost every city in the Valley out of Chicago. So what do you think about joining? [Silence] Hello? Hello?
DE: Oh rats...Maybe Marquette won't be so pretentious since Milwaukee isn't as big as Chicago. I'll give them a call.
--2:02pm--
Marquette Athletics Receptionist: Good afternoon, Marquette Athletics, how may I direct your call?
Doug Elgin: Hi, this is Doug Elgin, Commissioner of the Missouri Valley Conference, I'd like to speak to your AD about joining the MVC.
MU Athletics Receptionist: Let me check if he's available, please hold. (Beer Barrel Polka hold music)
-MU Receptionst intercom to AD: Hey, its another conference trying to get us to join.
-MU AD: Is it the A-10? I've been waiting for their call. I'm sick of having to talk to these guys like Conference USA trying to get us to come back or the Horizon thinking that a UW Milwaukke rivalry would be a good fit.
-MU Receptionist: No, MVC.
-MU AD to intercom: Oh lord, I need a laugh, put him through.
MU AD: Hi Mr Elgin, can I call you Dirk? So Dirk, what makes you think that you and the lowly MVC schools are worthy of playing our caliber athletic teams? Our basketball program is consistently in the Sweet 16.
DE: Its Doug, sir. I think that Marquette would be a great addition to our conference because of the proximity to our schools and the expansion of the MVC into a major midwest market like Milwaukee. Since the Big East is likely dissolving, why don't you come to a stable conference who isn't looking to compete with the BCS football money grab.
MU AD: So you like Milwaukee? It is a great midwestern city, lots of history, strong sports following. I'm amazed we never considered joining the MVC previously.
DE: Yeah, me too. Milwaukee fits the profile very well for an MVC school.
MU AD: So why don't you call UW Milwaukee?
DE: Haha, good one, we're not worried about the Horizon schools, they're just low mid-majors now that Butler left. We want to add some quality programs to challenge Creighton, otherwise they might leave us.
MU AD: So you guys are scrambling to keep together the best you have or else you're going to become irrelevant?
DE: Yeah, I guess I was a little to candid with you there.
MU AD: Guess so. We'll let you know what happens. We might be in touch about Creighton's exit fee. Thanks for the call. [Hangs up]
DE: Man, I really thought that would have gone better. We've got a lot going for us in our little midwest footprint. Maybe I should see about expanding the footprint out east...hmm, who should I call?
--2:04pm--
Georgetown Athletics Receptionist: (Hmm, where is this area code from on the caller ID) Thank you for calling Georgetown Athletics, how may I help you today?
Doug Elgin: Hi, this is Doug Elgin, Commissioner of the Missouri Valley Conference, I'd like to speak to your AD about joining the MVC.
Receptionist: I'm sorry, you said, the Mississippi Valley?
DE: No, Missouri Valley, you know the 10 team midwestern conference that includes Creighton and Bradley. Creighton has been a national force in college basketball for a few years now and Bradley claims that Harvard is the Bradley of the midwest.
Receptionist: Oh, impressive. Well I'm sorry, our AD is on the phone right now. I'll let him know you called. [Click]
DE: Well, do you need my number? Hello? Oh darn, guess this just isn't my day.
-Receptionist to GU AD later on: So a Doug Elgin called about joining the Missouri Valley Conference. I guess its the conference with Creighton and Bradley? Didn't I just dial up Creighton for you earlier today?
-GU AD: Yes, we're really hoping Creighton hops ship and joins our new Big Catholic Conference.
-Receptionist: Geez, I feel bad for that guy. He was also talking about some school named Bradley. Weren't they good at basketball in the the 80's and the 50's?
-GU AD: Probably.
And probably too true as well.
